|
|||||
  |
|||||
The last few days swam past my bedroom window in slow motion, a contiguous blur of periphery I never tried to bring into focus. Inside, I lay curled up in my bed with thoughts focused inward, entertaining the kind of ideas that seem only to exist between sleep and a waking dream. As barriers I'd built up around myself over the years crumbled to ashes, I saw for the first time ever that my path in life wasn't being determined by actions I'd carefully chosen for myself, but rather by spur of the moment reactions I've had to the actions of others. I saw my very identity as some kind of random tangent, bouncing off the walls of meaning without direction or intent, like I was sitting in the captain's seat as the Boat of Me chugs off into oblivion. I know every human has a journey of self-discovery on the road to their destiny, but sometimes I think I must be going the long way. Somewhere there's gotta be an ON switch in my brain. I've just gotta find it. One of my Quantum exercises this week was writing down a list of the obstacles I have to overcome on the road to my dream. The fact that I don't have a piano ranked an obvious #1. However, I believe that every negative can be spun into some kind of positive, so without any piano to practice, I devoted myself to my singing instead, and finally found my voice. It's actually amazing to me that I have this... voice! I mean, I can hit these high notes now that I never thought I would be able to hit. I would always play notes like that on the piano, since I couldn't make the sounds with my voice. But that's not the case anymore. My voice is coming alive, and it's so exciting to finally be able to hit the notes I hear in my head! I feel like I am very close to creating something that people will care about and connect with. As soon as I find someone to borrow a piano from, I'm chaining myself to it and not getting up until I've been reborn into the musician I know I can become. I know I have it inside of me. I feel this burning well of passion that has gripped me since birth. I know that some-where inside my brain there is a switch, and once it's flipped, I'll never be the same. I had this dream once, about unlocking the power of the human mind. In the dream, it was understood that we are built to contain light, but I was in darkness because I was not in control of my own mind. In the dream, I felt a lot of fear as I walked down this twisted path that snaked across an island. The island was my evolved self, and I was trying to get to the control room, which was the control room of my mind. I passed people who wore hats that spelled messages, and they told me that there would be no way off the island once I got to the control room. As I ran down the path, desperate to get to the control room before the time ran out, I saw a tall evil looking blue statue, and it scared me. It was very dense and full of pain. The statue made me afraid of what would happen to me once I got to the control room, and I woke up screaming, "blue is bad!" with sweat soaking my pillow and sticking my hair to my forehead in long sticky whisps. In other words, I chickened out. I didn't make it to the control room, because I was too scared of the pain I would have to go through. But now, all these years later, I'm not afraid. I've already been through so much pain, so much loss, so much heartbreak. I've already, by force, confronted my darkest fears. And now, I have to get there. To the control room. To the light. I haven't always been afraid, but I've been afraid enough. I've vanquished monsters in my dreams, but for every monster vanquished there was the dream of the monster at my heels, and I succumbed to him. I just stopped running and gave up... it was easier that way. But not anymore. Where is Christine the warrior? Where is Christine the powerful? I am summoning her. It's time to flip the switch. I believe with every fiber of my being that I can do this. All I need is a piano, and I'm going to make it. Musically Yours, Christine
| |||||
